The Heart Break

So, when we moved from Broken Arrow, OK to Olathe, KS in 1999, Diane was four and Daniel was about 7 or 8 months old.  I was also pregnant.  After moving I found a doctor, and we made a lot of plans involving our new baby!  We even chose Diane's preschool based on how close it was to our house.  I remember thinking, "I can just put Daniel and the baby in a stroller, and walk to the preschool to pick up Diane."  I thought the baby was a girl, and we were very excited when I was four and a half months pregnant.  It was the day of the ultrasound to find out for sure if she was a girl or a boy.  The pregnancy had been going well.  I had spotted a tiny, tiny bit a couple of weeks earlier, but it wasn't anything major.  I mean, it could hardly have even been called spotting, and it only happened that one day.

Jeremy had a pretty intense work schedule at this point, but he took off work.  We decided he would stay home with the kids and I would go to the ultrasound alone.  I drove to the office, and they got me all hooked up to the ultrasound machine.  I didn't know the doctor very well, since we had just moved there, and I can't even remember his name.  But, after the ultrasound began, he turned to me and said, "There isn't a heartbeat."

My mind couldn't comprehend what he meant, so I replied, "You mean you can't find the heartbeat?"  Sometimes that can happen when they are just listening for a heartbeat with a stethoscope, so I thought maybe it could happen with an ultrasound machine too.

"No," he gently replied.  "There isn't a heartbeat.  The baby has died."

My head started spinning, and I really didn't know what to say or think.

"I'm sorry," he said.  Then he started telling me that I was going to need some sort of an operation to take the baby out, called a DNC or something like that.  I had never heard of that, and I don't even remember what I was thinking.  I think I was in a daze, at this point.  So, to make a long story short, I called Jeremy, shared the sad news, and a few hours later I was having a surgery to take my precious baby out.  It was all so sad, and didn't even seem like it was happening.

After the surgery, I remember coming home and rocking my sweet little baby Daniel, and just thanking the Lord that I had Diane and Daniel.  I was very blessed that I had two children, a girl and a boy.  I reminded myself that some people can't even have one baby, let alone two, and that I had so much to be thankful for.  Of course, I was still so sad about the baby.  We hadn't planned her, but I had grown pretty attached to her over the last four months!  By the way, they couldn't tell if the baby was a girl or a boy, so I just say "she" because that is what I think she is in Heaven right now.  I know I will meet her when I get there!

After rocking Daniel, I walked into our bathroom, looked into the bathroom mirror, and said to my image in the mirror, "I will never get pregnant again, because I never want to go through this loss again."  And, in my mind, it was settled.  I later shared my thoughts with Jeremy, and he was fine with us not having any more children as well.  

Not the best story, I know, but that's what happened.  And, I was pretty OK with not having any more kids.  A few months after that happened, I started having some health problems, and the doctor I was seeing at that time said she thought that they had probably caused the miscarriage.  I remember her looking at me so intently and telling me that I shouldn't try to have any more children, that a baby just wouldn't grow in my uterus because of these health problems.  She warned me not to become pregnant again.

It seems funny to say now, but I was just fine with this information.  We had already decided not to have anymore kids after that miscarriage, so it lots of ways, it didn't really matter to me that the doctor had said she didn't think I could ever carry a baby again.  I guess in a way it was just a validation of what I was already planning, which was to never become pregnant again.

Thankfully, that is not the end of the story.  That's the great thing about serving God.  It will ALWAYS end in victory, and not defeat!  ALWAYS!  Even death ends in victory for the Christian, because then we just go on to what the Bible says is FAR BETTER than anything we've ever known or experienced here on this Earth!  Praise the Lord!  So, if you want to hear the rest of this story (and there is quite a bit more to it!), you'll have to keep reading!  Have a blessed day!